I know, Im so awesome!

!?

2007-04-29T19:49:38Z

So...

I decided not to keep so many secrets. I write a lot in a notebook, of things I feel and what not, so that when I leave this world, someone who reads that will know everything. Everything. Leave no secrets behind, I suppose. But until that day has come, I'm gonna try to not be so secretive with things that shouldnt be kept secret. I never was like that before, and something happened. I don't know what, or when. but thats how it was.

I had a dream of an actual event last night. I was in Woonsocket, but more specifically, the apartment at which I spent so much of my time at one point. I was with Livia. It was when I told her to go on without me, that I wasn't going with her, and that she'll find someone else when she moves. I've seen some people to react to heartbreak, for I've destroyed some people, but I wasn't expecting her of all people to breakdown the way she did. It was as if someone had just died, the tears, the looks, the tone, the actions. I remember hearing hell about it the next day, saying im a good for nothing-using-person. But they didn't know. I had a chance to take advantage of her, a very good advantage. But i didn't use it. Because I don't use. Which brings me to the topic of why I even brought this dream up. They don't know anything about me. They don't know what I want, or how I want it. And that goes for almost everybody. Sometimes you have to hurt people to get to where you wanna be. If you don't have to, then don't. But ten to one, If I went...I'd be miserable. I don't know why, I just have a feeling. But of course, it doesn't matter. That bitch, excuse me, that girl...shes as much of a loser as some other people. Least I know I'm not in that situation now. I don't know how, or why..but what I do know, is that when I looked into her eyes, even when I was into her, all I saw was emptiness. There was something about her. Something beyond the tremendous beauty, the style, the money. Coldness. And I was right. And though I hear it, you two were meant for each other, I just discard it. Its complete bullshit. It still makes me mad, just the fact that people think they know. They don't know. It seems that everybody has something behind their smile, and I don't wanna hide whats behind mine anymore.

Its not about the future, or the past. Its all about the present. Revel in the past, dream of the future, and lose sight of the present. I'm all set. Im in a good state of mind, I have good things going for me, and for once I have an attitude that I've never before had. I don't care about pleasing people anymore, about being there, about a lot of things. I've been sober for...what, 3 days? And though I'm not a heavy drug user, its a different world. Negative effects definently come into play if i'm fucked up. It made me realize that I just don't care. Im gonna let people talk, and if they cross the line I'll let them know. But i'm definently going to rise above anybody who goes against me. I dont get respect that I deserve, and it doesn't take much to please me. I don't go looking for trouble, I don't try to hurt people or anything. I take care of business when it needs to be taken care of. But yet, I'm condescended. It shouldn't be like that. I don't deserve it. I know who respects me and who doesn't, and for those who do, you have mine.

I suppose I just haven't seen as much as I thought I did. The change in yourself, or in other people. Everything used to be so repetitive, and I thought a lot of it wasn't going to change. But I guess thats my young mentality talking. People get on my nerves too easily, and I'm a little more judgemental then I used to be. Who am I to judge? Nobody. But I'm gonna do it anyways. By personality, of course. I've made discoveries. Friends who I'm consider breaking off with, because they say a friends are there to catch you when you fall, but I don't believe it. Maybe because I haven't let enough people inside me, but I don't think they should have that privilege. Besides, those that I've let in, barely mean anything to me anymore. I mean, Where is my first best friend...where did she go? Montana. I haven't spoken to her in years. Wheres my other best friend? Italy. I can't fucking stand her now. Wheres my other best friend? Here. But whatever! All im saying is, I need to cut off things that are slowing me down. I've slowed down wayyyy too much, and some things are holding me down. I'm dropping everything that does. And I don't wanna deal with unneccesary drama, which a lot of people I know have. Because I can help people all I want, but nothing I do ever makes me feel better. Because I can't stop. I have to keep moving, moving, thinking, planning, hoping. Friends can slow me down. I don't know how I let them do it, but they do. Girls don't slow me down, because a girl is a girl. I've had some good ones, (barely), but even then, I don't let them slow me down. If they try, they'll be done. But I don't have that problem.

But I'm still good. I'm still happy, I'm still moving. Stuffs not always so be as it seems. Overconfidence kills a lot of people, true. But I won't let it fucking touch me.

The Air that I breathe...

2007-03-11T18:56:34Z

Was it even there in the first place? Why is it so challenging? I suppose its good, so I can be kept on my toes! But more and more I don't know, I don't know how to earn it, and I want it, I miss it, I don't know how to get it! It'll be hard, but I hope it'll happen. I sincerely hope I'm making the right decisions. I can't place the words.

I wanna say something. But I can't place it. I can't move it either. I don't wanna push it, I don't wanna break it, I don't wanna let it fall.

An old friend brought up something which lifted my spirits. Though I have a false ego(this whole Seth Souza thing, acting like im such a big deal...pfftttt), until all the bad things happened, I had never doubted myself. I always knew what was going on, what i was doing, and I had so much confidence! (Sorry, I'm not trying to be all emo and like boohoo and what not).

Something was always missing, the lines were always blurred. I just didn't realize it.

Anger has been making me suffer from being who I normally am and somebody else. I wake up feeling like a different person everyday.

So, after saying it for the 50th time, changes will be made. =)

Sanity and Insanity. One into the other. You can become insane in the quickest of ways, and then are looked down upon. But redeem yourself, and suddenly your sane and acceptable. The world itself, let me tell you, is insane.

But everything will fall into place, just as it should. And if it won't do it naturally, I'll have it to make it that way. Because Seth Souza won't settle for less.

Wow!?

2007-02-20T17:42:05Z

Wow, I cant even believe I have one of these left! I had like a different one but deleted it or something because it what when I was dating Ashley...so thats pretty fuckin far back. yup. I dont even know If im gonna keep it...so maybe im writing this for no reason...okay!?

Besides. Myspace pwns lj!

"Still question all I've known"

2005-04-25T20:34:30Z

Ya know, that sounds kinda like me too...except for the whole 53% sex part...wtf is that anyways...and the kissing part..come on!

But everything else is pretty accurate..

Yah i just posted like 10 minutes ago or something like that...

~Shadow

"Borrowed Dreams, Hollowed Reveries"

2005-04-25T20:25:02Z

Hey y'all, hows it goin!?

This is the S-dow updating another entry of my exciting life..w00t

As you all know(I think?), last week was April Vacation, so no school(yay!)...and my week was quite awesome/un-awesome...so i'll recap it..

FRIDAY - Worked, hung around at work and fucked around at work...hung out with the JC Man after..

SATURDAY - Worked

SUNDAY - Relaxed all day!..talked to Livia all night!:):)

MONDAY - Nothing

TUESDAY - Relaxed, Got my new I.D. Card(w00t!), JC and Tank came over at night so we hung out for a little while...

WEDNESDAY/THURSDAY - So awesome, worked with Lucy:):)-Meaning I did nothing at work and got payed for it!..Then we all went back to my house, and by us all I mean me, Joe, Mike, Tex, Stephanie, Ashley, Thea, Tank, then StevieD and Matt came by for a little bit...then we went to Joes house for security reasons and we hung around and smoked and stuff, I cleaned the house afterwards because a lot of people made a mess...and at around 3 it was only me, Thea, and Tex up...and then Tex went to sleep. Thea and I stayed up and smoked one last joint and then she went to sleep afterwards..I stayed up all night because I had to wake them up at 6.. then we all went out to eat at Friendlys and stuff...then me and Joe dropped off Stephanie and we hung out..I called in sick because I was so tired, and me and Joe and Tank hung out and stuff

FRIDAY - Got bitched at for calling in sick, then I was pissed off for a bit then went back to my normal mood...so worked, then slept at Joes Aunt's house and stuff

SATURDAY - Worked, hung out with Joe, Stephanie, Thea, & Ashley for a little bit...then yeah

SUNDAY - Relaxed a lot:)...and I believe that was it..

So yeah, I mostly hung out with Joe, to sum it up..

Yeah yeah!...so...hows everyone/how was your weeks?

~Shadow

"And when the seasons change..the sun will shine but the darkness will remain"...(survey!)

2005-04-18T14:45:08Z

[ 1 ] First grade teacher's name: No idea
[ 2 ] Last word you said: Later
[ 3 ] Last song you sang: No Name
[ 4 ] Last person you hugged: Livia?
[ 5 ] Last thing you laughed at: Strong Bad
[ 6 ] Last time you said I dont fucking remember: I dunno
[ 7 ] Last time you cried: I dunno
[ 8 ] What's in your CD player: Mixed cd, with Killswitch, Shadows, A7X, MM, Motograter, Primus, AE, In flames
[ 9 ] What color socks are you wearing: Not wearing any
[ 10 ] What's under your bed: Book(The Illiad), CD Player, Box with stuff in it
[ 11 ] What time did you wake up today: 8:30 A.M.
[ 12 ] Current taste: Saliva
[ 13 ] Current hair: Wrapped in a bandana
[ 14 ] Current clothes: Long shorts, white shirt
[ 15 ] Current annoyance: Peoples voices on Halo 2 and at work
[ 16 ] Current longing: Jessica Alba....mmmm...
[ 17 ] Current desktop picture: Advent Children
[ 18 ] Current worry: That this might suck
[ 19 ] Current hate: Ignorant people
[ 20 ] Current favorite article of clothing: Long shorts
[ 21 ] Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: Lips, eyes
[ 22 ] Last CD that you listened to: Opeth - Blackwater Park
[ 23 ] Favorite place to be: Somewhere serene, with friends and Livia
[ 24 ] Least favorite place: I dunno
[ 25 ] Time you wake up in the morning: 6-7
[ 26 ] If you could play an instrument, what would it be: I can play some instruments as is
[ 27 ] Favorite colors: Black, White
[ 28 ] Do you believe in an afterlife: Kinda
[ 29 ] How tall are you: 5'11
[ 30 ] Current favorite word/saying: Perch!/The Obstructor
[ 31 ] Favorite Anime: Trigun
[ 32 ] Favorite season: Winter
[ 33 ] One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: Livia
[ 34 ] Favorite day: Friday/Saturday

[[[ FUTURE ]]]

[ 35 ] Where do you want to go: Egypt/Italy
[ 36 ] What is your career going to be like: Who knows
[ 37 ] How many kids do you want: Dont matter
[ 38 ] What kind of car will you have: BMW baby

[[[ HAVE YOU EVER... ]]]

[Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: ] Yah
[ Been to New York?: ] Yah
[ Been to Florida?: ] Yah
[ San Diego, Cali?: ] Nope
[ Hawaii?: ] Nope
[ Mexico?: ] Yah
[ China?: ] Nope
[ Canada?: ] Yah
[ Danced naked?: ] Probably
[ Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day:] All the time
[ Wanted to be the opposite sex: ] No?

[[[ RANDOM ]]]

[ Do you have a crush on someone?: ] A ya
[ What Anime are you reading now?: ] I don't read Anime
[ Worst feeling in the world: ] Being alone
[ What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: ] Well, on school days, "I cant believe I have to drag my ass to school", on weekends, "I cant believe I have to drag my ass to work" or "This is cool"
[ How many rings before you answer?: ] 2 or 3
[ Future daughter's name: ] Asha
[ Future son's name: ] Lunar
[ Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: ] Uh, no
[ Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?: ] Righty w00t w00t
[ College plans: ] Aviation Engineering
[ Piercings: ] Nope

[[[ THE EXTRA STUFF ]]]

[ Do you do drugs?: ] Only 1
[ Do you drink: ] Yah
[ Who are your best friends?: ] Joe, Mike, Marle, Jade, Livia, Ashley's
[ What are you most scared of?: ] Dunno
[ What clothes do you sleep in?: ] I dont sleep in clothes, just in case a hot girl comes through my window and decides to sleep with me :)
[ Who is the last person that called you?: ] Livia
[ Where do you want to get married?: ] Italy or Egypt
[ If you could change anything about yourself what would that be?:] My..uh..motion sickness
[ Who do you really hate?: ] Nazi's
[ Favorite number: ] 27
[ Been In Love?: ] Yup
[ What Type Automobile Do You Drive: ] None currently...
[ Are You Timely Or Always Late: ] I make my god damn appearance when I choose
[ Do You Have A Job: ] Yep, C & N Pizza (w00t w00t)
[ Do You Like Being Around People: ] Usually yeh, but that depends on who
[ Best feeling in the world: ] Being around peoples that rule
[ Are you for world peace: ] Not really, but it would be cool
[ Are you a health freak: ] Sometimes
[ Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: ] Nope
[ Someone You Don't Have Right Now: ] Livia
[ Are You Lonely Right Now: ] Nah
[ Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: ] Nah
[ Do You Want To Get Married: ] Eventually
[ Do You Want Kids: ] Dunno

How you like them apples?Mmmm....apples..
~Shadow